Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
