so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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