I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize