everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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