He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
