One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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