dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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