thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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