Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
