I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Don't EVER smell your tampon
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
