i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize