we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Found the puke drawer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
