Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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