her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
