so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
