My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
