So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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