I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
not ubering you a puppy
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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