The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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