You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
