I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize