In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
