hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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