he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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