As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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