3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
