I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
