lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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