I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize