Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
