My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
