i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
