all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
