I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
