im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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