I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
