My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
