For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
