I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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