My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
