Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
