oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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