dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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