Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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