I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
