Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
