Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
