Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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