I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
