apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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