I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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