i love accidental penises.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
