I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
