I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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