I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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