gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize