Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
God, I missed his penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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