I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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