the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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