As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
