I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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