I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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