You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
