Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
