did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize