It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's shark week go big or go home
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
